In this episode, I teach a lesson on how to understand first and I encourage you to have your family and children listen together. Good communication is understanding and being understood. We should know that we can share our feelings in confidence, know that we won’t be laughed at, and feel understood.
Good communication is understanding and being understood. In our family we should be able to talk to one another easily. We should know that we can share our feelings in confidence, know that we won’t be laughed at, and feel understood.
When we make a real effort to understand before we try to be understood, usually our efforts will be appreciated, our communication will improve, and our relationships will become stronger and more loving.
Activity
This activity teaches how to help people understand us when we communicate. The method is called “I messages.” This is how it works:
1. Start with the word “I.”
2. Add what you’re thinking, feeling or needing. .....need some help getting these dishes done.....
3. Explain WHY.
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This is Solutions for Families – where parents come with problems and leave with solutions. I’m Paula Fellingham – thank you for joining me!
Hello and welcome! Today’s episode is how to understand first.
Good communication is understanding and being understood. In our family we should be able to talk to one another easily. We should know that we can share our feelings in confidence, know that we won’t be laughed at, and feel understood.
Trying to first understand before being understood means that we are more interested in others than in ourselves. It means that we really want to communicate, not just tell how we feel.
We can understand in three ways. First, we think about how the other person is feeling, with their life experiences and needs. We try to “be” that person for a moment. Second, we watch their body language (facial expression, posture) for clues which tell us how they’re really feeling. Third, we listen to them very carefully, concentrating on what is being said, not on what we’re going to say next.
When we make a real effort to understand before we try to be understood, usually our efforts will be appreciated, our communication will improve, and our relationships will become stronger and more loving.
Story
To make communication work, we have to understand what people are trying to tell us. Here is the story of a man nobody understood.
A construction worker approached the reception desk in a doctor’s office. The receptionist asked him why he was there. “I have shingles,” he said. She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse came out and asked him what he had. “Shingles,” he replied. She took down his height, weight, and a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. “Shingles,” he replied again. She took his blood pressure and temperature, then told him to take off his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later, the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”
The doctor said, “Where?”
He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want me to put them?”
Discussion
1. Did the people at the doctor’s office assume they knew why the construction worker was there?
2. What could they have done to understand him better?
3. Did the construction worker do a very good job helping the people understand why he was there?
4. What could he have said to be better understood?
5. Are we sometimes like the construction worker in our family by not explaining the details of what we’re talking about? Does it cause misunderstandings sometimes?
This activity teaches how to help people understand us when we communicate. The method is called “I messages.”
EXAMPLE
1. Start with the word “I.” “I......”
2. Add what you’re thinking, feeling or needing. ....need some help getting these dishes done.....
3. Explain WHY. .....because I have to leave for work.”
Now let’s all take a turn. Let’s each think of one “I message” to share with the family.
∙ “I’m feeling upset when you’re late, because we all agreed to be home for dinner at 6:30 each night.”
∙ “I appreciate it when you’re on time...it shows me that you care about our rules.”
∙ “I feel angry when you disobey, because you know better.”
∙ “I feel sad when you disobey, because you helped make the family rules.”
∙ “It makes me happy to see you share, because I know you’re doing the right thing.”
Okay, my friends. Until the next episode, have a beautiful day and please subscribe to my podcast, tell your friends about Solutions for Families, and come see me on paulafellingham.com. As always, I send you my love….