In this episode, I teach a lesson on how to show appreciation and I encourage you to have your family and children listen together. One of the important ways to communicate love in families is to express appreciation. We all enjoy being with people who make us feel good about ourselves.
Criticizing others not only creates bad feelings, it isn’t a good way to get people to change. It’s a fact that animals can be trained much faster if they’re rewarded for each correct attempt rather than being punished each time they fail. This principle holds true for people, too. We improve our performance faster with praise than with criticism.
It seems to be a law of human behavior that how we act is contagious. In other words, if we are kind to others in our family, we receive kindness in return. It’s also true that our usual response when someone criticizes us is to criticize them in return. In families, it is especially important that we avoid the vicious cycle of criticism which always hurts relationships.
Expressing appreciation is not difficult. It requires making the effort to notice the positive things that happen, and telling the person involved how you feel about it.
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This is Solutions for Families – where parents come with problems and leave with solutions. I’m Paula Fellingham – thank you for joining me!
Hello and welcome! Today’s episode is a lesson on how to show appreciation.
One of the important ways to communicate love in families is to express appreciation. We all enjoy being with people who make us feel good about ourselves. Family members who make the effort to notice the good things we do and express their thoughts of appreciation help us feel good. When we feel good about ourselves it’s easier to give to others.
Think of an experience you’ve had trying to do something nice for someone, only to have it go unappreciated. Have you ever expected to hear praise and instead you were criticized? Let’s compare this with an athletic game. Imagine yourself trying to learn a new game. You’ve been told the rules by an official, and you are now on the field ready to play. The game begins and you start playing the way you think you’re supposed to, when suddenly the official blows the whistle and calls you over. The official explains what you did wrong, which is different from what you remember being told before the game. He gives you a warning to play by the rules. The action begins again but is stopped almost immediately, and the official scolds you again. Imagine this is repeated each time the game is started. No matter what you do, it’s wrong.
You would quickly begin to feel confused and frustrated. Depending on your personality, you might become withdrawn and discouraged, or you might become angry and aggressive at constantly being stopped. You might decide the game isn’t worth playing.
Unfortunately, all too often families get into a pattern like this. People are trying their best, but the focus is on what they do wrong rather than on what they do right. We often think that in order for someone to learn or improve, we need to criticize what they did wrong.
Answer three questions:
1. Do we like it when people criticize us?
2. Do we want to share our thoughts and concerns with them?
3. How do we feel about ourselves when we’re criticized?
Criticizing others not only creates bad feelings, it isn’t a good way to get people to change. It’s a fact that animals can be trained much faster if they’re rewarded for each correct attempt rather than being punished each time they fail. This principle holds true for people, too. We improve our performance faster with praise than with criticism.
It seems to be a law of human behavior that how we act is contagious. In other words, if we are kind to others in our family, we receive kindness in return. It’s also true that our usual response when someone criticizes us is to criticize them in return. In families, it is especially important that we avoid the vicious cycle of criticism which always hurts relationships.
William James, considered by many to be the greatest American psychologist, wrote a book on human needs. Years after the book was published he remarked that he had forgotten to include the most important need of all---the need to be appreciated. Establish an atmosphere of appreciation in your family by overlooking the negative and “catching” one another doing good things.
Expressing appreciation is not difficult. It requires making the effort to notice the positive things that happen, and telling the person involved how you feel about it. If Mom doesn’t get a sale she has been working on, other family members can remind her that she got three last week. If a child doesn’t do well in one subject, parents can point out his good grades in other areas.
3 Appreciation Activities
Activity One - Showing Appreciation
Have each family member put his name at the top of a piece of paper. Each one should then pass his paper to the person on his right. The recipient then writes something specific that the giver has done which they appreciate. On the bottom of the page the writer then folds the paper over to conceal what’s written, and passes it to the next person. After everyone has his paper back, he can read what others have written. Then taking turns, have everyone say something about your family that he appreciates. Be specific about some behavior rather than the more general “We’re nice to each other.” An example of a specific behavior may be: “I like it when we go on walks together.”
Activity Two - Expressing Affection
Family members, including husbands and wives, often think it is not necessary to say, “You are wonderful!” to each other. Everyone needs to know they are needed, appreciated, respected and admired. Telling your spouse or other family member why they are important to you is a good way to keep your relationships healthy. The following activity can help you share some of your feelings:
Activity Three - Notice Good Qualities
In strong families people truly care about one another’s well-being, and they say so. The following activity can help family members notice the good things about each other.
1. Suggest that family members make a real effort to look for things they like about each other. These might be:
∙ Talents, skills, and achievements
∙ Qualities and characteristics that make the person special
∙ Something nice the person did or said
2. Encourage family members to let each other know how they feel by writing short notes about the things they have noticed.
Example: Mom, you made a super dinner! Love, Judy
3. Put the notes under the person’s pillow, or in a backpack, lunch bag, desk, etc.
4. Tell something that you appreciate about each family member every day for a month or week.
Okay, my friends. Until the next episode, have a beautiful day and make sure you subscribe to my podcast, tell your friends about Solutions for Families, and come see me at paulafellingham.com. As always, I send you my love….
Here’s a quick question…Are you ready to have a more loving, peaceful family?With my 7 Step Parenting Course you can enjoy more love and peace in your home than perhaps you’ve ever dreamed of! If you’re ready for less contention and more kindness, this course is for you. AND, on paulafellingham.com you can sign up for my free parenting webinar where I share tips and solutions for families that really work! I’ll see you on the webinar!